How To Be Where You Are
    I've written this essay every day in my head for some time as I go through the processes (usually well ordered) that involve taking care of my mother. This repetitive mental writing began some time ago after I read an article, courtesy of Caregiver.com about the importance of 'mindfulness' as one gives care, especially intense needs care.
    I've read stuff like this before and never paid much attention, for two reasons:

1. I practice a natural, seat-of-the-pants mindfulness, anyway, and have brought that quality to my caregiving, and;
2. These articles never make much sense. They make the reader think that one must reorder one's day and mind and then one might be in the proper frame of soul to begin the practice of mindfulness.

    Phooey!
    Mindfulness, whether it be Buddhist mindfulness or practical mindfulness, begins with a technique that is very easy to talk about without mentioning nirvana. It helps, in considering and developing this technique, if one likes to be interested in what one is doing at the moment, but it isn't necessary.
    There are three key concepts to keep in mind in regard to Being Where You Are Now (call them "The Three F's", if you will):

• Focus:    This does not mean you have to deep breathe, transport yourself to a meditative safe or happy place, you don't even have to slow down. Focus means just this: Take a look at what you're doing and where you are every moment. Notice what's going on. Are you bathing your care recipient? Take advantage of this time to really look at her body, become familiar with it so that you'll do a better job of cleaning, treating skin conditions and noticing 'irregularities'.
      When you notice what you are sensing and allow conscious attention access to that information to guide you through what you are doing, you will automatically be present. You will find, as well, that your present will include calm projection into possible futures.
      This is probably, by the way, the most important "F", so let me give you an example of how easy it is to focus:  I make my mother's bed every day. Sleeping is important to me as it is to my mother. I long ago began autonomically taking color and temperature into consideration when clothing 'today's' bed. I soon began taking texture into account. The most important criterion when making her bed, though, has become the color combinations of the sheets: Light clashing when I want to stimulate her through her nap; blue sky or blue country ensemble when she needs help relaxing; combinations of pinks and greens, pinks and purples and greens, pinks and beiges, when I want to stimulate healing and general alertness; yellow, orange and green when I want to reward a good movement day; purple and yellow when I want to stimulate deep self-attentiveness and muscular tone; lots of white when I suspect she will be dreaming a lot (my variation of the Buddhist "empty walls" concept).
      I did not make myself do these things. I projected my own sensitivity to color onto my mother, made some observations on the fly, empathized with how good it feels to fall into the perfectly appointed bed when one retires and, now, whenever I make her bed I have all this handy.
      This attentiveness, this focus, can be practiced with ease during any activity. You probably already do it with those chores you enjoy. Try doing it with those you don't. You'll probably end up liking those chores more.
      I can't promise you that time will fly. If anything, it will become syrupy because some of your focus will involve trying to live out of your loved one's reality, for the moment, especially if you're dealing with dementia.
      I can also tell you that focus in the moment promises that you will never get stuck in the moment. Another moment will impress its circumstances upon you and your habit of focus will continually bring you forward in time.
      This is the technical way of talking about the 'mysterious' power of mindfulness. It's not mysterious. In order to utilize it to its fullest, though, you must be aware, first, of what mindfulness is, in plain speech, then you must realize that you already do it, thus considering the possibilities of purposely doing it.
• Flexibility:  Always be ready for the curve. Expect it. As a friend of mine told my brother-in-law when passing on information about proper attitude when driving a motorcycle, "Don't think, '...if I have an accident...', think, 'when I have an accident.'" It's not emergency thinking, it's preparedness.
      Some of it is knowing that you will automatically shine in a crisis moment; it's inherent in the nature of being human. Then, let your situational mindfulness notice each environment as you and your care recipient move through it and anticipate other scenarios under impending circumstances.
      Remember, too, you don't have to stop and breathe when a crisis happens. Trust your body to pull you into the amount of presence you need by automatically adapting your breath. Later, if you want to practice breathing exercises, that's fine, but, to begin with, let your body tell you how much it already knows.
• Forgiveness (immediate, both of self and others):  Know that you will never always be in the moment, that is, you will never always be mindful. Forgive yourself ahead of time, then forgive yourself again when it happens: When you fall into the past/future time zone, fret and become irritated. Know that this will happen. Be prepared to step back, in the moment, observe your irritation and what it is causing you to do, remember that change is constant and in a few moments you will no longer be irritated...and continue doing what you're doing. Apologize to others, as well, if you snap. Keep it simple: "I'm sorry for doing thus and so. I'll try harder next time." Be confident that you will; mindfulness ensures this.

    I do appreciate the growing "mindfulness" in the Caregiver Industry that is prodding people to talk about helpful spiritual disciplines. Unfortunately, most of the people who write about these disciplines forget to write about them realistically. They don't answer such questions as, "What is this, really?" and, "Come on, how do I do this when I'm at the sink, about to spit-bathe an 88 year old? Do I have to wait for my personal mantra?"
    Nope, all you have to do is look outward, at your situation, your companion, your role; this is how you really do it. Close, in the moment, nonjudgmental attention. What's that pattern of varicose vessels on her back? Does this look normal? At what temperature does she like her wash cloth? What about her eyes? Cold water compress this morning?
...and further...
    What is her presence in the day saying about possible food choices? Is today an indulgent day? What about right now, this meal? Do I need to saute a savory dinner to tantalize her into alertness? Does she want comfort food? What are her stats saying about what choices I should make? What about water retention? Is she moving a lot? Will she? Should we make room for that?
    It's just plain old paying attention. Without the New Age sound effects. Same thing. Different level of approachability. You already do it. When you allow yourself to be conscious that you do it, you will be able to bring the technique forward on demand. If you want to imagine yourself as the Dalai Lama or Carlos Nakai, fine. Just make sure you're imagining them "being here now".
- posted by Gail Rae @ 09:50   email...this post